Impro Ficsong

by Room of whateva

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My Impro Ficsong is basically a continuous, improvised, slightly profane/explicit parody fanfic in audio format with speech & song parts.


To be continued probably at the most unlikely moment in time...

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released February 14, 2011

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Room of whateva Finland

Hi! Thanks for visiting my Bandcamp :) I make wizard rock mostly. I love feedback so plz let me know what you think, for example via Facebook. It's also the best place to check out what's new. I'd love suggestions for covers, song ideas, or if you want me to make you a song, I probably will :p More songs currently on Purevolume. :) ... more

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Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 1 - Harry at Leaky
Late one night I was bored, so bored. So I went to the door of Dumbledore and got in, obviously, and said:

"You owe me one, so why don't you let me Floo to London."

So, then I Flooed to London and where else but the Leaky Cauldron. I took a pint of Butterbeer and I saw this awesomely hot guy right so near me. I knew he was to be my boy for tonight. I went by and said:

"Hi, I'm... well, you know who I am, obviously. Just check out my forehead. And well, my reputation is the biggest at the moment so you would greatly benefit if you did exactly like I want. And you're a lucky boy because tonight I want you."

So the guy turned around. He turned to me and said:

"Oh Potter, how I've waited all my life for this moment. Oh Potter, I hesitated but now I finally get to do this."

And then he took my hand. Came very close. Very close. I could feel his breath in my ear when he whispered:

"Potter, this is called Side-Along Apparition."

And then I was suddenly at the Atrium of the Ministry. And the guy who took me there was gone.

So I said to myself like I always say to myself in an unexpected situation:

"Oh calm down now Harry. You're awesome. Whatever comes in front of you, you'll figure it out.
And you'll survive because you've got some hell of a protection in your skin."

So I wasn't worried at all. I was excited to be in the Ministry once again.
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 2 - Harry at Ministry
So, at the Ministry of Magic there are many fun things to do. Like, well, the first thing is to go to the Office of Regulation of the Magical Creatures, or whatever it's called.

Anyhoo, so that was the first place I went. And at the desk there was this cute little intern who was such a piece of cake. I went to the desk and turned around for a moment and took my most saddest look on my face and then I said to him:

"Oh, oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no."

And I said that like, well, for quite long. And then he finally asked:

"What's the matter boy? Have you lost your parents?"

And oh, wouldn't I have wanted to comment on that but instead I stuck to my plan so I said:

"My, my dear. My dearest friend.
My dearest friend in this world and beyond.
My dearest friend, my own little House Elf is gone!

I demand justice to all the House Elves!

House Elves can't be treated like crap.
They give us so much.
House Elves can't be treated like this.
You have to change the laws.

House Elves are the best thing that's ever happened to wizards.
We must repay them everything they've done.

Here is a petition. First signature is by my dear, dear friend who has fought for the rights of the House Elves and now she's demanding you to give them the right to become the Minister for Magic.

We must let them be part of our world!

And we would so much benefit if one of them was to decide the faith of all of us.

This is the idea of the S.P.E.W.,
signed by my dear, dear friend, and intellectual beyond my understanding, Hermione Granger."

The look on the guy's face was priceless, oh. And Hermione would be proud.
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 3 - Hermy at Common Room
At the same time at Hogwarts, Gryffindor tower, Common Room. Hermione Granger just finished her homework for the following three weeks and she's back to noticing the real world.
And suddenly she feels a strange feeling. Very strange feeling.

"Oh, oh Merlin, Ronnie!"

"What?"

"Have you seen Harry?"

"Well, I saw him yesterday."

"Yesterday? But you haven't seen him today?"

"Um, no."

"Well, that's unacceptable!"

"Why?"

"Because he's out there and you should have his back! If he's out there, like, battling some evil lord then you should be out there with him!”

"Um, Hermione, Harry doesn't do that kind of stuff anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know how Harry has said that he's gonna go and check out some clue for the latest dark plot he's discovered."

"Yeah, he's said that many times, like almost every night."

"Yeah well, he hasn't been out there checking any clues. At least not clues for an evil plot."

"What? So where has he been?"

"Ummm, I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me? Ronnie, we can tell each other everything. We're like best friends."

"Um, Hermione, we're not best friends. Harry's my best friend."

"Oh. Oh, I see. You're best friends and I'm just a nobody. And all this time I've saved your little asses from death and pain and other types of tight situations, it's been like nothing to you.”

"Um..."

"Yeah, why don't you and Harry have your little club, and I just... I just go away."

"Um, yeah, whatever."

"Yeah, you could at least pretend that you care if I'm not your friend anymore. And you could just...go away. Just go away!"

"Um, this is the Common Room and I like to hang out in here so I..."

"Yeah, whatever, you own the place, you own everything, you have Harry, you have everything, so whatever, I just... I just go now."

"Um, whatever you say."

Ronnie... is a piece of... he's a piece of... yeah, and this song is not about Ron. This song is about

Harry, Harry, where are you Harry?
How can you leave without telling me your plan?
How can you leave without having me as your right hand?

Harry, where are you?
Harry could be in danger, in grave danger.
He could be battling trolls, hiding from vampires.
He could be all alone, hiding from Voldy.
Harry's in trouble.

He could be battling trolls, hiding from vampires.
He could be all alone, tortured and captured.
Harry, where did you go?
You didn't even take the two-way-mirror with you.
You didn't even take your cloak with you.
You didn't even take your wand with you.

Oh shit. Harry doesn't have his wand with him. Coz his wand is right there on my bed. Why is his wand on my bed?

Oh s***. Think Hermione, think! Apparition...no. Dumbledore! Of course Dumbledore isn't as efficient as I am but in this case I think he's my best option.
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 4 - Harry at DoM
So my next stop at the Ministry was the place that many think is the most interesting in the whole Ministry: The Department of Mysteries.
And what a mysterious place it is.

There are many rooms that not many people have been in but as I'm Harry Potter I’ve of course been in most of them. Without permission of course. But let me tell you, well you know, you've read the books: The Department of Mysteries is a f***ing creepy place.

There's a room for love.
A room for love.
There's a locked room for love.
I'm Harry Potter so I could take any guy I want
to the Room of Love
on Valentine's Day.

There's a locked room for love.
And they say you can never open that door
because if you do it would be too much.
But that makes me wonder
what's so dangerous about love?

I bet those Unspeakables are just busy working with love..
Busy working at love...
And by "working" I mean, um, ahem...
yeah. I don't think I wanna sing any more about this subject.
But there are other rooms too, like...

There's an open room for death.
Anyone can walk just in and see, oh,
because the Death Room looks like an amphitheatre
so it's designed for spectators.
And there's this archway in the middle of the room.
If you go through it you die.
And there's room for hundreds of people to watch you die.
So, what's that about?

But then there's the Time Room
with hundreds of clocks and time devices including Time Turners.
Or was, before we kind of destroyed the place.
And speaking of destruction...

There's a huge hall.
This huge hall contains nothing because it was full of prophecy balls - dozens of shelves, well, hundreds of shelves
filled with prophecy balls
before we went in and we decided (well, I decided)
to take this prophecy (well, it had my name on it)
and then the suckers came around
and there was a fight over that little ball.
Funny how little balls can cause so much destruction.

Anyhoo, so there's an empty hall, a huge empty hall.
They're trying to rent it for some wizard events.
Well, I have an idea.

We could have an awesome, the most awesome wizard party!
And I would sing all night long!
I would sing because I'm Harry
and everyone wants to hear me sing.
But I'm kind of sick of those girls
who faint and scream and basically
are a great source of annoyance,
and if I needed annoyance, like to piss of the Dursleys
then I would totally dig if they were out there.

But when I wanna have an awesome party
I don't wanna hear like dozens of girls screaming my name.
Coz it distracts me from my music
and the guys I'm trying to spot in the audience.
There aren't many, but there are some, and you know who you are, and we'll see you at the next show...
You know where to come afterwards...

Anyhoo, the hall at the Ministry used to be Prophecy Hall,
now it's just a place for rent.

So, there was one more room I went to. And it's the room I always go to when I go to the DoM and the reason is obvious.

It's the Outer Space Room!
When you jump you just float in the air!
The Outer Space Room!
You can kick yourself to the roof
except that there is no roof.
So you might wanna hold down that kicking
so you don't fly away
like my auntie once flew
like a balloon.
Don’t fly away!

It’s the Outer Space Room!
When you jump you don’t fall to the ground,
you just float up and up!
Be sure not to kick too hard because
if you just rise and rise you might end up very far.
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 5 - At the Office
"Who is it?"

"It's Hermione Granger."

"What do you want?"

"It's kind of an emergency. It's about Harry."

"Harry, Harry, of course... Yeah of course it's about Harry. It's always about Harry. Ok come in."

"Thank you, Headmaster. Um, I'm really really worried. Harry...Harry has gone somewhere."

"Yeah, I know Harry has gone somewhere. I kinda helped him go there."

"Oh...so he's on some important mission is he? For Hogwarts? For you?"

"Um, not exactly. But I guarantee you that he'll be back eventually. He'll get into trouble and someone might have to save his ass, and then he kinda takes the credit of it all in the end. But um that's how things are and we can't really change that. So, why don't you go and um read a book or a dozen coz I have some important things to do."

"Oh, it's some kind of new experimental magic you're doing? Like... I heard you chanting through the door and..."

"Yeah, sure, it's um... a very high...it's some very high experimental magic and you wouldn't understand how it's done."

"Yes, of course. But if you'd like to show me sometime I'd be very interested in knowing new..."

"Yeah, it's kind of a top secret thing...for The International... Conference for the... Mastermind Magicians."

"Oh. I didn't know there was such a conference. I'm sure I've read of all the current conferences of today's..."

"Yeah, well, it's a new conference, and I'm kinda the leader of that, and I kinda decided that it's gonna happen like yesterday so it's not in any books, baby.
You can't always count on books, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm checking the internet too. And if there's not a mention of it in the internet then it can't kinda exist because it's kinda..."

"You know what, Granger? I just heard that Madame Pince has some new books from Bryan Markins and... Joodoloo Googins, and even...Havige Helpovins."

"Wow! Really? I haven't heard of any new releases from them."

"Well that's because Madame Pince got them from the authors themselves."

"Ooh, so they're like first version drafts or something?"

"Yes, Miss Granger."

"Oh. Sorry Headmaster, I really have to run."

"Yeah, you do that girl. Go, girl. Toodoloo, Granger.

Oh why do I waste my time on that annoying brainmissile? Oh. Okay, so, where was I... so, back to practise.

It's frigging annoying
to be the Headmaster of this school
It's frigging annoying
because I had something else in mind when I was young
Something you guys must know about
Coz I said it in the book
I said magic is great, it's awesome
But the most greatest magic in the world is

music, oh lo lo

There's no greater feeling in the world
than to sing to so high and low
Oh my Merlin it's wonderful
I always wanna just go
I can sing so beautifully
I... like I'd be
on a beautiful summer day
on a beach
It's warm and so pleasurable

Oh I like things that are pleasurable
To get away from here
from annoying lil brainmissiles
from annoying lil douchebags

It's so relaxing
No time for hexing
It's just the lil pleasures of Muggles
Just the lil pleasures of Muggles
I love them lil Muggles
I love them so

So it's awesome and so beautiful to sing
so beautifully, it's pretty
It's mellow, it's neat
It's very complete
It makes you feel
It's so calm
It can do no harm
Oh
But I also want to

rock so hard!
And no one's rock so hard before
Rock so hard!
That no one's rock so hard before, oh yes
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus Dumbledore
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus
I do the punk punk punk!

But it's kinda bad for my throat. Oh whooh. But it gives a nice little kick, if you know what I mean. You know what else gives me a nice lil kick? Oh, one word was wrong there. It's not a NICE lil kick. It's the opposite of nice. Can you guess what it is? It involves um, some very...some very um... what I like to call side-along magicianism. It involves a very intimate connection with a fellow wizard. Yes, a wizard. So let me demonstrate this to you.

"Lalalalalaa! Oy Severus! Oy Severus!"

"What?"

"Come here oy, my most trusted man."

"All right."

"Severus, um, you should lock the door. I need your help in a very experimental experiment of...well um experiment. Things might blow up so close the door and um throw in some Muffliato and some other kinda isolating spells here."

"As you wish, Headmaster."

"Okay so, now, Severus, come here and raise your right hand and we're gonna hold our hands together like this. Now, think about the most beautiful place you've ever been in. Just go into that place in your mind and relax. What do you see?"

"I see...it's a...it's a field... it's in summer... I'm there laughing with Lily Evans."

"Okay, hold right there! Lily Evans, you say? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! How come it's a suprise to you? You know all about the Patronus, you know all about my love for her..."

"Yeah Severus, but think about it. Think about how much she hurt you. Think about how that lil bitch chose the hotty Potty over you. Even though the hotty Potter never was there when she cried against your shoulder. When she needed a friend. When she needed someone she could trust and depend on. Where was Mr Potty? Mr Potty was... Oh, he was playing Quidditch. He was torturing other students. He was fucking other ladies. He was being a jerk while you made Lily Evans the beautiful person she was to be. And she chose Potty over you. How does that make you feel, Severus?"

"I hate her! I hate Potter! I hate his stupid brat! I wanna throw his lil brat into the lake! And I hate her so much!"

"Oh Severus, come here."

"I hate her so much! She's a bitch! She's a stupid bitch! She didn't even know how to make a potion! She didn't even know how to make the frigging potion! She was just flirting... She was using her beauty and whatever to make an impression on Slughorn and everyone. She never got past any frigging test without my help! She was an idiot!
And no one knows that, everyone thinks she's a hero like Potter, like their frigging son, I wanna throw him into the lake, can I throw him into the lake, Albus?"

"Um, I dunno about that, Severus. But I want you to know, Severus, that someone always loves you."

"No no! No one loves me! No one has ever loved me! No one will ever love me! No one! Always I will give everything I have! And no one gives it back, no frigging one!"

"Severus, listen to me."

"What?"

"I said someone always loves you. I always love you."

"You...you love me?"

"Of course, Severus, of course."

"But what do you mean when you say you love me? Coz I'm not gay... I'm not one of the..."

"Tell me, Severus, and look into my eyes right now. Are you sure you're not gay?"

"I don't...I don't..."

"Shh..."

"Oh..oh...oh... oh I really, I really have to go now! Oh, I really have to go! I'm sorry Headmaster!"

"Okay, Severus. I see you later."
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 6 - Harry at Forest
What? How did I end up here? It's frigging cold in here. Dark, misty, the blue misty trees. Yes, it's the forest again.

Was it a Portkey? I don't remember a Portkey. Though I don't remember since the 7th Firewhiskey I drank so... Okay, I'm not sure if I wanna be here now. It's very late and I think I hear something. Yeah I definetely hear something...

"Show yourself! Who are you? What do you want? I'm Harry Potter!"

Oh oh! Potter!
Oh Potter I wish I would meet you here
Oh my Potter
I have something I wanna say
Whoo I was so disappointed when you didn't come to me last nigh
Ooh Potter, why Potter
I thought we agreed that you would be my little toy

Can't you remember Potter
This is the very place we were on our first date
Oh Harry, I wanna call you Harry
Please let me call you Harry
I wanna feel so close to you
I wanna be so close to you
I wanna feel what's underneath that Quidditch robe
Underneath your tight cloak
Underneath your tight pants
I can see that something
You've grown since those days Potter
The moment

when we first met right on this very place
I remember it was detention with Fang
Oh I dunno how Hagrid told you and me to pair up
Maybe because I told him that he would get
a lot of dough and a lot of beer
and his own dragon stall
all those lil dragons there
Oh so he paired us up and quite a pair we are
We're so hot
Oh Potter, can I call you Harry
Oh Potter, I wanna call you my lil Hawwy
when we do it
I hope it's tonight

"Um, yeah Draco, I think you misunderstood my lil message."

"Oh how come I understood it wrong? Because you wrote to me that if I don't stop sending those Mowlers you're gonna come and pull me down and evaporate my wand."

"Yes Draco, I actually meant that I'm going to disarm you, your wand, your actual wooden stick wand."

"Oh. Right. Hm. But how come should I have understood it like that? Because you can't deny it, Potter, that the way you look at me, it's like you have this underlying fire that's about to burst and it wants to get into..."

"Again, Draco, um, the way I look at you basically says: Get away, you're disturbing me, you're pissing me off, you're not my type, you are pathetic, and that's about it. Oh, and you're a spoiled lil brat. I don't date spoiled lil brats who run to their daddy every time they have some sort of misfortune."

"I don't run to my daddy, Potter! I just run to his money. Potter, you can't say that you don't love money."

"No, I can't say that I don't love money. But I'm in the fortunate position that I don't have to kiss anyone's ass to get money."

"Yes you are, Potter. But I... I think we're so alike. We're so alike, Potter. I just.. I just wanna get to know you, Potter. I just wanna go out and have some fun."

"Yeah, okay, I don't quite buy that... but I'm so bored right now that I might say yes."

"Oh Potter! Please say yes! Pwease, pweeease say yes Potter pweease..."

"I say yes if you promise to stop that."

"Whaat?"

"Trying to look cute. It doesn't work for me."

"What? I'm not trying to look cute! I'm just...a sexy man. I'm a very very sexy man. And so are you, by the way."

"Why don't we go, Draco?"

"Oh yes yes, where should we go? Do you have your broomstick? I'd so like to ride with you on a broomstick."

"No I don't have my broomstick. I only have my...my... my... where is it?! Okay, sh...fuck, fuck!"

"What is it, Potter?"

"My wand. Um, I think I left it somewhere. I think I left it in the Leaky Cauldron, yeah. Yeah. And I'd also like to know whatta fuck is going on in here! Like, this is the second time I've been Portkeyed somewhere. Or something. I'm not sure if it's a Portkey coz I don't see any kind of Portkey here. The first time it happened I was at... the Leaky Cauldron. The Leaky Cauldron! Someone in the Leaky Cauldron is just fucking around, and I wanna no why, coz no one fucks around with Harry Potter!"

"Aaah, you're so hot! When you're like...you got some balls! Ooh balls..."

"Draco. Advice. Turn it down a bit. Coz that's really not the way to go."

"Oooh, so what is the way to go then, Harry?"

"Also, don't call me Harry. Only my pals get to call me Harry. And also Albus but he's an excepting coz unfortunately he has the power to kick my butt."

"Okay, Mr Potter, shall we go now? How about...Floo?"

"Yeah, I think that's the easiest way. Come on, let's go."

"Oooh. Hehe. Ah. Right behind you, Mr Potter."

Oh yeah
I'm getting to the Leaky Cauldron
with with my Mr Mr Potter
Oh I've never been
on a second date with him
but tonight something's gonna happen I know
Tonight I'm gonna make it oh

He's a bit, bit lil bit shy
Oh I dunno why oh I dunno why
he rejects me time after time
I think it's becoz he's so full of lust that he can't

No he can't stop himself thinking about me
So he has to fake it oh
He has a reputation to hold on to
He cannot stick to one man only
But I wanna be his only only only one
I think after couple of years
he will melt in my arms
And he'll finally see that

I'm the best
coz Slytherins do the best
I'm the best
Draco rocks and does it best
He will see that I can -
I can - and I can -
I can do, oh I can do
anything he wants me to (anything oh boy)
Anything he wants me to
Anything he wants me to

Harry Harry, don't go, be merry
I'll be merry
Oh Harry Harry, we're gonna marry
I'm gonna marry you
Oh I'm gonna carry you
through the miseries the other boys make you go through
I'm gonna marry you (no one is gonna hurt you baby)
It's gonna be so true

I let no one no one no one hurt you
I will let no one hurt you baby
So please say yes or even just a maybe

You're gonna notice Potter that this was the best decision you've ever made

Oh, and if you, lovely listeners, don't know what a Mowler is... well, it's a special kind of Howler. A more intimate kind of Howler, if you know what I mean.
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 7 - At love, Harry
Harry Harry
Where did he fly?
Harry Harry
Where did he fly?
It's so alive
He's alright

I never thought I would say this
But I've been waiting so long
I never thought I would say this
But he makes me strong

Harry
Where did he fly
Oh Ron you're his best friend
I can't compete
Harry
You make me strong
Strong
Strong

So I sing every night
I sing in harmony
I sing
I keep believing

It's hard but his heart is
It's hard but his heart is
It's hard but his heart is still there
There
I can't be scared

---

Oh this feels so good
Oh this feels so good
I'm in the fireplace with Harry James Potter
Oh it feels so good
Oh it feels so good
This Floo powder

I'm dusting this powder
Over you my one
My chosen one
I'm dusting my love
Oh trust me
He'll me trusting me one day
when I can say

I'm free and loved
Don't have to go home anymore
I'm free I'm loved
I don't have to go to the manor of dark
They think it's all easy but it's hard
And I will be free and loved
And I don't have to go home anymore
Of that I am sure
Harry James Potter

I'm dusting this powder
I'm trusting this love now
Take me wherever you wanna
Take me wherever you wanna
Take me wherever you wanna
Take me wherever you wanna

I'm dusting this powder

It feels so good oh
It feels so good Harry
Just to be behind you here
Track Name: Impro Ficsong Chapter 8 - Albus at his Thing
Yeahhhh
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus Dumbledore
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus Dumbledore

I was a wizard rock star in my youth
I got chicks screaming my name
Oh chicks chicks, I don't care, lame
Oh chick chicks screaming my name
Oh chicks, I couldn't care less, it's lame lame coz

I like the fellas
Like the fellas in beautiful ways
I like the fellas
I like the fellas in gentle gentle ways

I, I was offered the position of Minister for Magic
Can you believe it? Oh Minister for Magic

All of them know about my thing
It's no secret
I never will keep it in a box
Keep it in a box
Coz then I just say Nox
If they try to complain about my thing
They know I make them suffer oh yes
They know they know they know I make them suffer oh yes

They got no idea what kind of spells I can do
Well oh well
They got some idea what kind of spells I can do

They can't mess with me
They they they can't mess with Albus
Albus Wulfric Brian
Albus Albus Wulfric Brian

Want some love love
It's hard to find when I am so isolated
They forget me

I never wanted to be a big big star
But somehow somehow I got pretty pretty far
I keep here at Hogwarts
Oh I I I I make sure that no little girl of boy
is hurt of because of the kind of joy the like

I'm Albus
Oh fellas oh fellas I got my thing
No little girl or boy, witch or wizard, will ever suffer
I have their back on this oh
I'll have their back on this oh

This is a new era
New era like it was before when this school was built
Gryffindor and Slytherin were best friends
Oh I know, more than best friends

They accepted each other
They accepted each other's flaws and
They accepted each other cores and
They accepted it all

Salazar just couldn't take it
He was different, he couldn't make it
So we fell to a dark age

And then lil brats like Tom came along

I tried to help him but he wouldn't stick to my advice
He had his thing and it got sick, I couldn't comply

But it's a new age
And we'll bring this new age
We'll bring this new ace
I have faith in Harry Potter

Each one of us has this journey of combining the Houses
It starts from choosing our own
Then we clash with the others,
especially the one that feels the most opposite
But we'll get there, each one of us
And some don't, like Tom
But Tom is gone, for now at least

Yeah I would've made an awesome Minister for Magic
But that was not my place
This is, Hogwarts,
My Hogwarts United
When I realized that
I couldn't care less about the Hallows anymore
Track Name: Justice To All The House Elves (new version)
Oh no

My, my dear
My dearest friend
My dearest friend
in this world and beyond

My dearest friend
My own little House Elf
is gone
is gone
I demand

Justice
to all the House Elves

House Elves can't be
treated like crap
They give us so much
House Elves can't be
treated like this
You have to change the laws

House Elves are
the best thing that's ever happened to wizards
We must repay them
everything they've done

Here is a petition.
First signature
is by my dear, dear friend
who has fought for the rights of the House Elves
and now she's demanding you
to give them the right
to become the Minister for Magic

We must let them
be part of our world
We must let them

And we would so much benefit
if one of them
was to decide
the faith of all of us

This is the idea of the S.P.E.W.
signed by my dear, dear friend,
and intellectual beyond my understanding,
Hermione Granger