"Who is it?"

"It's Hermione Granger."

"What do you want?"

"It's kind of an emergency. It's about Harry."

"Harry, Harry, of course... Yeah of course it's about Harry. It's always about Harry. Ok come in."

"Thank you, Headmaster. Um, I'm really really worried. Harry...Harry has gone somewhere."

"Yeah, I know Harry has gone somewhere. I kinda helped him go there."

"Oh...so he's on some important mission is he? For Hogwarts? For you?"

"Um, not exactly. But I guarantee you that he'll be back eventually. He'll get into trouble and someone might have to save his ass, and then he kinda takes the credit of it all in the end. But um that's how things are and we can't really change that. So, why don't you go and um read a book or a dozen coz I have some important things to do."

"Oh, it's some kind of new experimental magic you're doing? Like... I heard you chanting through the door and..."

"Yeah, sure, it's um... a very high...it's some very high experimental magic and you wouldn't understand how it's done."

"Yes, of course. But if you'd like to show me sometime I'd be very interested in knowing new..."

"Yeah, it's kind of a top secret thing...for The International... Conference for the... Mastermind Magicians."

"Oh. I didn't know there was such a conference. I'm sure I've read of all the current conferences of today's..."

"Yeah, well, it's a new conference, and I'm kinda the leader of that, and I kinda decided that it's gonna happen like yesterday so it's not in any books, baby.
You can't always count on books, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm checking the internet too. And if there's not a mention of it in the internet then it can't kinda exist because it's kinda..."

"You know what, Granger? I just heard that Madame Pince has some new books from Bryan Markins and... Joodoloo Googins, and even...Havige Helpovins."

"Wow! Really? I haven't heard of any new releases from them."

"Well that's because Madame Pince got them from the authors themselves."

"Ooh, so they're like first version drafts or something?"

"Yes, Miss Granger."

"Oh. Sorry Headmaster, I really have to run."

"Yeah, you do that girl. Go, girl. Toodoloo, Granger.

Oh why do I waste my time on that annoying brainmissile? Oh. Okay, so, where was I... so, back to practise.

It's frigging annoying
to be the Headmaster of this school
It's frigging annoying
because I had something else in mind when I was young
Something you guys must know about
Coz I said it in the book
I said magic is great, it's awesome
But the most greatest magic in the world is

music, oh lo lo

There's no greater feeling in the world
than to sing to so high and low
Oh my Merlin it's wonderful
I always wanna just go
I can sing so beautifully
I... like I'd be
on a beautiful summer day
on a beach
It's warm and so pleasurable

Oh I like things that are pleasurable
To get away from here
from annoying lil brainmissiles
from annoying lil douchebags

It's so relaxing
No time for hexing
It's just the lil pleasures of Muggles
Just the lil pleasures of Muggles
I love them lil Muggles
I love them so

So it's awesome and so beautiful to sing
so beautifully, it's pretty
It's mellow, it's neat
It's very complete
It makes you feel
It's so calm
It can do no harm
Oh
But I also want to

rock so hard!
And no one's rock so hard before
Rock so hard!
That no one's rock so hard before, oh yes
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus Dumbledore
I'm Albus I'm Albus I'm Albus
I do the punk punk punk!

But it's kinda bad for my throat. Oh whooh. But it gives a nice little kick, if you know what I mean. You know what else gives me a nice lil kick? Oh, one word was wrong there. It's not a NICE lil kick. It's the opposite of nice. Can you guess what it is? It involves um, some very...some very um... what I like to call side-along magicianism. It involves a very intimate connection with a fellow wizard. Yes, a wizard. So let me demonstrate this to you.

"Lalalalalaa! Oy Severus! Oy Severus!"

"What?"

"Come here oy, my most trusted man."

"All right."

"Severus, um, you should lock the door. I need your help in a very experimental experiment of...well um experiment. Things might blow up so close the door and um throw in some Muffliato and some other kinda isolating spells here."

"As you wish, Headmaster."

"Okay so, now, Severus, come here and raise your right hand and we're gonna hold our hands together like this. Now, think about the most beautiful place you've ever been in. Just go into that place in your mind and relax. What do you see?"

"I see...it's a...it's a field... it's in summer... I'm there laughing with Lily Evans."

"Okay, hold right there! Lily Evans, you say? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! How come it's a suprise to you? You know all about the Patronus, you know all about my love for her..."

"Yeah Severus, but think about it. Think about how much she hurt you. Think about how that lil bitch chose the hotty Potty over you. Even though the hotty Potter never was there when she cried against your shoulder. When she needed a friend. When she needed someone she could trust and depend on. Where was Mr Potty? Mr Potty was... Oh, he was playing Quidditch. He was torturing other students. He was fucking other ladies. He was being a jerk while you made Lily Evans the beautiful person she was to be. And she chose Potty over you. How does that make you feel, Severus?"

"I hate her! I hate Potter! I hate his stupid brat! I wanna throw his lil brat into the lake! And I hate her so much!"

"Oh Severus, come here."

"I hate her so much! She's a bitch! She's a stupid bitch! She didn't even know how to make a potion! She didn't even know how to make the frigging potion! She was just flirting... She was using her beauty and whatever to make an impression on Slughorn and everyone. She never got past any frigging test without my help! She was an idiot!
And no one knows that, everyone thinks she's a hero like Potter, like their frigging son, I wanna throw him into the lake, can I throw him into the lake, Albus?"

"Um, I dunno about that, Severus. But I want you to know, Severus, that someone always loves you."

"No no! No one loves me! No one has ever loved me! No one will ever love me! No one! Always I will give everything I have! And no one gives it back, no frigging one!"

"Severus, listen to me."

"What?"

"I said someone always loves you. I always love you."

"You...you love me?"

"Of course, Severus, of course."

"But what do you mean when you say you love me? Coz I'm not gay... I'm not one of the..."

"Tell me, Severus, and look into my eyes right now. Are you sure you're not gay?"

"I don't...I don't..."

"Shh..."

"Oh..oh...oh... oh I really, I really have to go now! Oh, I really have to go! I'm sorry Headmaster!"

"Okay, Severus. I see you later."